” “Her face looks like it caught on fire and someone beat it out with a rake.” Do your friends control your love life, you pussy?“Daddy, I’m scared, too scared to even wet my pants.” What should I wear?In an attempt to narrow the field I’ve created this date application page.
Welcome to my website and personal playground, where I've been publishing thoughts and random creations since the late 90s.
These days I work at Hearst Digital Media in New York City.
I came across this today and, since I am the father of three girls, decided to make it public for possible suitors to prepare themselves as well as for other fathers who may need it. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Church you attend ___________________________________________________How often you attend ________________________________________________When would be the best time to interview your: Father? A woman’s place is in the:______________________________________________________________D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:______________________________________________________________E. ______________________________________________________________F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:______________________________________________________________G. __________________I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE._________________________________________________________Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!
Note, this is slightly changed from the original version that I received! )_______________________________ ________________________________Mother’s Signature Father’s Signature_______________________________ ________________________________Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman In the boxes below, please provide Finger Prints, inked in your own blood for Homeland Security Identity Checking and DNA sampling: Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.
Your name: Your email: Your age: Your sex: Female (This is non-negotiable. D./MD/DMD I go to the Vo-Tech, climb under a car, and sleep all day Jay Truck Driving School what’s edumacation? Your pheromones are too sexy to cover up I don’t like myself, and I’m hoping you’ll treat me like a used-up stripper Everything “You’re deceptive.” When would you like to go out with me? ) The kids at school used to call out “Baaaby Ruuth” when I would walk by No, really, I don’t think you understand: I am UG-LY “Daddy says I’m ‘this close’ to living in the yard! : Cheap flowers Expensive champagne Your A game I like shiny things A unquenchable libido Astroglide A shoehorn Amniotic dysentery A small, hairless Asian boy Your enema bag collection “And I want a bike and a monkey and a friend for the monkey.” What will I do when I see you?
: Highest level of education completed/currently working towards: high school diploma high school equivalency (GED) associates degree bachelors degree master’s degree MBA/JD Ph. : Accidentally Yahoo/Google A friend told me An enemy told me You told me about your stupid page I can smell your desperation from here A scorching case of herpes led me here God hates me Blind hogs eventually find acorns “I fell off the jungle gym and woke up in here.” Why are you filling out this form? : Your caustic wit and ambitious verve Your cute face and hot body Your caustic wit and ambitious verve Your constant use of foul, discourteous language The way you show no regard for the feelings of others The way your immense ego blocks out any real emotional depth You make me laugh Your single-minded obsession with all things Tucker I like how you never use deodorant. : My beautiful eyes My sharp wit My compassionate nature My incredible intelligence My huge breasts I have the ass of a 12 year-old girl My cottage cheese thighs My sphincter can break a beer bottle My matted pubic hair My charming autism My colostomy bag My willingness to use sex to get what I want My perfect landing strip “The tar fumes are making me dizzy.” What would you expect me to bring?NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unlessaccompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,and current medical report from your doctor. NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No If No, explain: ______________________________________________________________Number of years they have been married _________If less than your age, explain ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ACCESSORIES SECTION: A. ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________REFERENCES SECTION: Church you attend ___________________________________________________How often you attend ________________________________________________When would be the best time to interview your: Father? )_______________________________ ________________________________Mother's Signature Father's Signature_______________________________ ________________________________Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine andnon-sexual. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? _____________SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank. A: If somebody shot me, I would sure hope they didn't shoot me in the: ______________________________________________________________B: If somebody beat me up, I would sure hope they didn't break/injure my: ______________________________________________________________C: A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________________________________D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________________________________________________________E. ___________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: ______________________________________________________________F. __________________I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TOTHE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESEWATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE._________________________________________________________Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron! No, seriously, I really do want to ask you out I don’t want to go on a date with you, but I do want to buy you lots drinks and watch the train wreck develop I’m putting in fake info to fuck with you I’m horribly desperate for anything male, and you fit the bill This is the final stage in a destructive spiral of self-loathing and despair It’s either this or jail time This is helping me stop masturbating so much I hate your fucking guts “It says ‘I choo-choo-choose you,’ and it has a picture of a train.” Why do you think you want to go out on a date with me? ” What is it that you find most attractive about me? He tells me to burn things.” What is your most defining feature or characteristic?